Weekend Gratitude

Aloha my chums,

I’ve been a lot more inclined to write the last few days, which is mostly due to me feeling increasingly helpless and defeated. It provides such a good outlet, but I’m struggling to put everything down into what others can perceive as coherent and elaborate. I reckon I am fairly decent at voicing my thought process and feelings when in therapy, but there are days when I cannot seem to tell a story on paper.

Let’s all try to be less harsh to ourselves. It’s totally okay if my blog entries don’t always sound the same or share one distinctive writing style. They’re unique – and that’s good.

I thought I’d start the weekend by reflecting on all the things and people I am grateful for, to fill these days with more uplifting energy. Perhaps, doing this more often will help me carry the momentum into the next week, which will kick start another good weekend.

The winter months, although they haven’t been as crisp and cold as they can be in this city, have been dark and sombre. In previous entries, I’ve mentioned how magical I think the cold air and the snow are – and I stand by that. The warm lights in the darkness, the clean air that forces you to take deeper breaths. We’re slowly heading towards spring, though. It’s indescribable how seeing and feeling the sun on your skin changes your mood. The birds are chanting outside, fresh green is breaking through the dead soil to reinvigorate it. I am absolutely in love with the seasonal transitions.

I am also grateful that I get to live with my older brother, and that we have slowly been able to fill out apartment with little trinkets here and there, making it our own. Feeling inspired by Kondo Marie (yes, she’s wonderful), we recently decluttered the kitchen – and it truly felt liberating and oh so satisfying. Living here is also helping me deal with family-related issues that I started to run away from after moving to Japan for the first time.

I’m thankful that I get to see a therapist, and this is why: You get to vent and talk about your feelings in a safe space regularly, free of judgment and condescending remarks. I do sometimes feel that my struggles are not legitimate enough to justify the help I am getting, but ultimately it is about perspective. My journey is very real to me. The reasons to choose to seek help may vary greatly, but the perceived severity is such that it prevents us from leading a happy life. As I pointed out before – seek help if you need it. For me, not wanting to go to therapy earlier stemmed from a place of putting myself last. I am not willing to do this anymore and am grateful I get to have an allocated time slot where I can let it all out.

Last one for now, I swear. My friends are such a blessing and so important to me. Some of the friendships have developed more recently, such as the ones in Japan. However, that doesn’t make them less valuable to me. I am happy each time I hear from them. In the same vein, I am beyond exhilarated that I’ve been able to catch up with old friends of mine now that I’m back in Germany. Some friendships go back 15 years – and it feels wonderful to reminisce, laugh, and share. To top it all of, I get to work in the same office with my best friend – who else can say that? It’s just the best.

What are you grateful for this week? I think it’s vital not no forget how we shouldn’t take the small things for granted… All the small positives amount to something bigger. Have a lovely weekend!

Xx

L

Fixing my broken Mind

Aloha, my loves.

It’s been an awfully long time, but I am alive and well. In fact, I haven’t felt this at peace in a couple of moons. Realising how balanced my soul can actually be, leads to exuberance, but also entails grief concerning the time lost in the dark.

I’ve come to share some of the revelations I’ve been given through my therapy sessions in the last weeks. Before I start, I would like to encourage anyone out there who feels like their soul is hurting in some way to seek help. Your struggles are valid and you are legitimate for wanting to heal. Life is all about perspective, which is why the fate of people suffering far away doesn’t affect us the same way that it would in our own midst. A friend recently told me how we go to the doctor whenever one of our body parts is hurting. Some people go in for a cough, others once their condition’s aggravated, e.g. rendering them unable to breathe freely. She then said: Why is it that we seek help for our ailments, regardless of how insignificant they may seem, yet we continue to feel terribly conflicted when our heart, our soul is hurting? I thought she made a beautiful point: Our soul plays a paramount role in keeping our body healthy. It is the incredible source of energy guiding our vessels made of flesh and bone. We need to take better care of ourselves.

As mentioned in a previous entry, this isn’t the first time I’ve sought professional help for my broken mind. However, it is the first time that it is going to be accompanying me for a prolonged period of time. I cannot say that pouring your heart out becomes easier each week – because it really doesn’t. Right before my appointment, I feel anxious. The anxiety fades away quickly once I’m into the session, but I do feel that working on your internalised issues is a process that requires vast amounts of energy. Leaving therapy each week I feel drained, but contented. It gives me time to speak my mind, providing me with a safe allocated time slot each week where I can freely declutter everything that has been going on. Being confronted with your demons is rough – for me, finding out how much self-loathing I am carrying inside is truly a shocking thing to experience. My therapist will sometimes pretend to be the voice in my head, or my internalised voice telling me the horrible things straight to my face. It’s in these situations that I realise how poorly I speak to myself – something I’d never dare direct towards other people. “This is cruel, why would anyone bring me down like that?” – when in reality, all of this stems from a place devoid of self-love and self-acceptance. I would say that I have already ventured past the ‘honeymoon phase’ of my therapy. The first few sessions were a lot easier for me than the more recent ones. We have been discussing a lot of things that happened in my childhood, things I would rather keep concealed or didn’t know I was suppressing. When those things resurface, it can be terrifying, but I want to keep pushing forward.

How was your experience with therapy? Sending lots of love and light,

L